as long as i have music.

this week has been an amazing week.

this was what happened.

well. terms last week.

well. this terms is sort of important to me because i needed to prove.
to prove myself and my parents that i can perform for my studies.
i studied quite hard actually.
although i could have done more. definitely.
i studied like crazy for math, and was very confident that i can do very well.
but after the exams. i felt like crap. yes i wrote that in my previous entry.
so i got back my paper.
and i failed.

ever since i was young. i had the impression that i was smart enough to do well for my studies. if i studied hard enough. so i attibuted my poor performance since young as lazy.
ego. confidence. in control.

this terms dashed everything.
no. i am not in control.
i am not as smart as i thought i was.
i am not in control.

i was worried that my parents would use terms to pressure me to quit choir.
so after getting back my math results there was lots of things running through my mind..
confused. angry. worried. upset. disappointed.

*jesus take the wheel, take it from my hand..*

i was walking towards the sports com for sectionals. acsi junior was having sports day in our school, and they were playing this song through the speaker.

i almost broke down. but there were other people around me. so i looked for a quiet corner.
and i cried.

(jesus take the wheel, take it from my hand, cause i cant do this all my own. )
(i cant do this all my own)
(jesus take the wheel)

all that struggle to control my own life.
the believe that its wat i do that matters.
the song shook me, and brought me back to God.

clement sent me the song again that night.
and the song brought me down again.

so much personal ego.
so much desire for control.
but only God is in control.
only Him.

i've been touched ever since.
*jesus take the wheel*

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm onFrom this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

i hate the fact that hardwork doesnt equate to results all the time.
and i just screwed up an easy math paper even though i studied like crazy for it.
just because i didnt notice very stupid things that cost me 11 marks. and more here and there.
and i even hate the fact that i probably twice the amount of work compared to half of the people who fared better than me in this paper. (just a guess)
its just exasperating at times.
and i cant stand it.
but what can i do?
sigh..

i love my mom Limmy.
always a role model, a figure of authority for me.
always there to listen to my problems. to provide wonderful advice.
being special by being her. indeed.

i love my children frances. jontang and deb.
ever supportive, ever loving.
never fails to put a smile on my face.

i love my uncle joel and my aunt nad. (they are not a couple mind u)
wonderful God loving people who never fails to amaze me that there are such good people around.
yes, like what limmy said, its hard to imagine so much goodness in one person in a world like this.

i love my the other half.
always there to support and to encourage.
the love she shares with dan, is the testimony of true love and courage.

i love my two sisters and a daughter in church. pris. nianci and michelle.
wonderful people who are always there to care for me, support me, help me.

i love the two sisters i had back in jurong. jye yiing my classmate and yanli my junior.
bringing so much joy to me. just by being themselves.
appreciating me for who i am and listening to me at times.

some people say its rather childish and immature to play such "family game"
some say its unmanly.

i say. who cares?

God placed such wonderful people in my lives.
and many others too..

i dun mind being immature and childish.
and if its 'unmanly' in the world context,
so be it.
at least i love and cherish them in this manner.
so who cares about what they think.

anyways. to all out there,
thank you for being who you are.
cause you are so wonderful. =)

yes. first march. a day of joy for some, and a day for a day of sorrow for others..
a levels results.
alongside with it. we j2 received our mother tongue results.
i took chinese a, but i had to go for the paper too as i didnt take HMT in secondary school.
my grade: B3 merit for oral.
*sigh*
happy? contented?
far from it i guess.
even before i received my results i have decided to remain cool no matter what happened.
i thought i did pretty ok.
but when i got my results back, i was shocked.
i tried so hard to hide my disappointment, but i was shocked.
prehaps b3 is a very good score already to many. ppl were screaming and crying because they passed.
but. taking chi a, there is a certain expectation for me. expectations i had for my self. and expectations from other people.
coming from a chinese speaking environment and background, the result wasnt really something to celebrate abt for me.
the worst thing was that i got a merit for oral.
yes merit.
prehaps the first in my years of education.
a slap in the face. straight on.
i almost died.
to me its equivalent to failing a subject in A lvls.
How bad can it go?

i really wanted to share with someone my disappointment, but everyone around me was celebrating. i cant bear to burden them with my own disappointment. i had to put on a happy face, pretend to be ok but deep down i am very affected. Right now i am still waiting for a promised phone call that hasnt come. it probably wouldnt.

it isnt very comforting when someone comes up to me and say, "i thought u chinese a one how come i fare better than u? "
it isnt very comforting to know that my grades werent comparable to those whom i thought my standard where higher in comparism.
it isnt very comforting for my chinese A teacher to come and tell me. see. i told you your standard is there only. you should buck up.
it isnt very comforting to see friends from chinese A scoring much better than i did. but at least this friend saw my disappointment and made a point to show that she cared. thanks ying ling.

the costly lesson that God taught me.

1) humility. don't always thing that you are very good. you arent.
2) buck up. if you don't start studying you won't make it.
3) you can make it if you work hard enough!

after collecting the results i went to watch the giving out of results. and so many choir seniors obtained full distinctions. and i was inspired to work even harder.

prehaps getting b3 is good after all.
prehaps.

drawing strenght from the Lord...