well. its a long time since i came back to realm of blogs. i thought since i have half an hour worth of civilian time left, i should spend the time penning my thoughts, so that i could laugh at myself in time to come.

well today is a day i am reminded of my own stupidity. my lack of maturity. where i actualize my mom's prophecy. that i am brash, that i lack concentration, proper planning, and that i cant even get a simple thing right. like checking for my 11b (army's verison of ic) before i head for my advance theory test. so that i wouldnt be barred for the test.

well, stupid isnt it? something so simple, and yet i just have to screw it up. today just totally reminded me of an incident that happened last year. for some strange reason i just completely forgot about my drivng lesson and threw 60 bucks into the drain. duh.

it feels sucky to do something like that. make a stupid mistake that i shouldnt have. chidding my self and made a promise never again, only to fall again in due time. i should really learn to stop acting smart, stop behaving as if i can accomplish many things and sit down and learn to focus, so that i can, at the very least, accomplish something that myself, and people around me can be proud of.

i feel a lack of goal, of direction in my life currently. i'm just wasting my life away cause:
1) most of the time i'm in "the organisation"
2) i'm either too tired/drained(mentally, spiritually,emotionally)/sian to do anything condusive. i just want to go out, meet friends or laze around at home, watching tv, disturbing people online.

well to be honest being in "the organisation" shaped me to a certain extent. i've seen a darker and yet realistic world outside. i've seen extremes of good and evil. and you would probably have to throw a lot more shit at me to bring me down. otherwise i'd just plug my thumb into my mouth and move on. "the organisation" made me stronger and yet and the same time, " badder" and "meaner". i find it impossible to be absolutely nice all the time. it just isnt practical, and its not the way how things work in "the organisation". its about common benefits. common goals. what can i benefit. its a different world out there.

i need control. concentration. to bring my life back to track. to rediscover who i really am. but first i need them to stop buring my weekends. to stop making me do things beyond my job scope. to control every bit of our movement. to restrain and limit our benefits and welfare. to demand without giving. to make empty promises.

7 months. that how long i'll have to endure. to protect that little bit of integrity left. to not flow with the crowd. to fake and lie my way through. to taking mcs and slacking away. to make peace with everybody. to get a fit body. =)

i'm kinda glad nobody reads my blog anymore. (hopefully! unless i have some secret admirer stalking me. hur hur.) i feel more at ease to write knowing that i wouldnt be judged. oh well.

God bless you all. if you are reading. and God bless me.
peace out.